A Political Party We Can All Use

Today’s voting will conclude the longest political battle in recent history. That’s right – if this years political season seemed a bit longer, your perception is right. Election Day in the United States is the day set by law for the general elections of public officials. Election Day is on “the Tuesday next after the first Monday in the month of November.” The earliest possible date is November 2, and the latest possible date is November 8. This year we vote on the latest possible date.

For most of us, this year was a political season more suited to the bathroom than family room.

O.K. Let’s go with that. I am announcing my candidacy for the office of the President of the United States for the 2020 election year. I am here and now establishing a new political party: The Potty Party!

I am undoubtedly the most qualified candidate to lead this party. I’ll explain more about that in just a moment. So, why the Potty Party? First, this political season may well be best served with a good flush and a bowl cleaner. That said, we all have one thing in common: we go to the bathroom. Indoor bathrooms are very important! Without them life would be even more difficult than it already is.

PRIVY DEPRIVED (Sad sob story)

I know about the difficulty of being privy deprived. Privy deprivation was a part of my early life on the farm. As a family of five, we lived in a small four-room farm house. Sadly, none of those rooms was a bathroom – we suffered the humiliation of privy deprivation. When nature called our only recourse was a 50 yard dash to the outhouse where all the family’s business was conducted. Night or day; fair weather or foul, rain or shine; the dash to the privy was relentless. When came to going to the potty, we were left out in the cold.


The Potty Party will follow the faith foundation demonstrated on our family’s farm. Every trip to the potty was a journey of faith. Whether one was in danger of succumbing to the bitter cold, the lack of breathable air, or to an attack by one of the family goats, it was our faith that kept us regular.
Faith’s role in the family’s potty deprivation was revealed in the names of hope we gave them. When it came to the potty our family was liberal: we had four such outhouses to address and minimize our systemic deprivation. One of the four was itself deprived of a door. The first three privies bore the biblical names of First John, Second John, and Third John. The fourth, having no door at all, bore the apocalyptic moniker of Revelation. Certainly, faith is the foundation of the Potty Party.


Potty and Economics go pretty much hand in hand. The world’s economy is founded on privy principle that no child shall be left without an indoor potty. The modern day network of septic systems, sewer systems and plumbing trades is a testimony to the far reaching power of the engine of indoor potty economics. What would Wall Street be afloat in without the basic infrastructure so dear to Potty Party Principles?

I have devoted a substantial portion of my life making indoor plumbing available; addressing privy deprivation. I have been privy to many developments in my years leading up to the establishment of the Potty Party.

Not giving in to a life which began with potty deprivation, I have devoted my life to developing and delivering custom indoor Potties any home owner could be proud of. As a devoted residential remodeler, I have designed and built bathrooms for many years. It seems like everyone wants one! I believe in equal opportunity potties. I have designed and built potties for the young and the old; for the fit and the broken; for the quick and the slow. I’ve done this with two driving desires: to keep you moving and to keep the economy moving.


My first Potty Party Plank is: No child left without an indoor potty.

Potties are a family affair. Any parent or grandparent knows that a call to nature is a call to community – if there is anyone under the age of five within earshot. Best practices for the potty are the cornerstone of strong families. We are born with the desire, no, the need, to potty. This need is so strong in newborns that is virtually their full time occupation. If they are not pottying they are stocking up on potty supplies. Recognizing this God-given need we are drawn together to change and dispose of diapers. The infantile need to potty is not just a metaphor for life. It assures adequate bonding time between parents and children. No child should ever suffer from Potty Deprivation.


Potty politics are as relevant to foreign policy as to domestic policy. Prior to understanding that I was uniquely positioned to provide indoor potties for the everyman of the world, I lived in the elite world of potties for the privileged few – the One Percenters of potty potentates. During a dark period of my life I designed potties for the heads of state and corporate elites of the world: particularly posh potties flying perilously in excess of 450 miles per hour yet never backing up. I designed gold plated potties for the kings in Saudi Arabia, sleek potties for the President of the country of The Ivory Coast; versatile potties for corporate leaders. I was even part of the team that designed Potty One the presidents personal privy aboard Air Force One!
Here is a long kept state secret: Heads of state go potty! Corporate elites cannot resist the primal pull of the potty. Although I no longer hold to potty elite principles, who better than I is qualified to interact with the potty leaders of the world to bring about international potty equity.

No longer is the potty only for the privileged few. The Potty Party is plumbed to the principle of potty parity.

If you want political and potty unity, join me as I establish the Potty Party. We know what the candidates are full of, right? When they get political diarrhea or constipation what do we do? We flush them! I guarantee that my name will be on the ballot in 2020. I will run as your number 1 and promise a number 2 on the ballot you can be proud of.

The party image? A 2 story outhouse! Oh yeah, we could just ‘wipe’ the slate clean with a single flush!

I could run on and on about Potty Party policies and politics – to that end I am sort of a ‘Potty Mouth’.

So go vote today  and in 2020 let’s start a movement. No more irregularity in politics.

More after the election. For now, …I Gotta go!

What Do You Think? Would you vote for me in 2020?